Well, I seem to be functioning at somewhat of a normal level today. Straightening my house like a maniac while my hubby is sleeping, trying to get back into
his normal routine. Sorry if this post is a bit all over the place and very long, but I want to write down everything, and I'm
trying to make it as cohesive as possible.
The family is gone, we had 10 people all together at my Dad's for a few days, and today it's just his mom with him. My aunt and uncle from Green Bay had come in Monday and just left yesterday. They were an absolute godsend. I couldn't even fathom how we would've made it through this past week without them. My sister Angela just left today to go home to Arizona; she had been here for a week and a half altogether. But her being here is a priceless memory now--my Mom got to see all her girls and tell us all she loved us a few short hours before she died. She had told my Dad how much she loved him over the phone that morning. Ang and I had traveled up to Madison together, my sister and her partner were heading up about the same time from Lombard. The four of us met in front of the hospital and went in together, visited for a bit with Mom (who was very hot and uncomfortable), and finally when a nurse came in with a potty since Mom didn't think she could walk the few steps to the bathroom, she told us to just go ahead and go home, even though we were planning on just stepping out of the room for a bit. So we said our goodbyes and stopped for lunch before heading home. We had a good meal, and told silly stories of when we were little. Ang and I had just reached Cedarville (about 10-15 minutes from my house) when my Dad called and told us Mom was gone. I called Brad and he pressed me to come to the house, but Dad wanted us to stay put, and I knew I didn't have it in me to drive anywhere. So Dad and Brad met up with us, and we headed right back up to Madison. We had the hardest time reaching my sister Amy, she had the music blaring in her car and didn't hear the phone ringing until they made a stop, but they got to the hospital not long after we did. We got to go in and see her; it was hard holding her hand and not feeling that familiar squeeze, but I didn't want to let go. The rest of the week is a blur of memories...making arrangements (I have friends that are in the
funeral business that were another godsend. The process went very smoothly and I know they went above and beyond because of our connection) and just trying to put one foot in front of the other. My sisters and I have been putting most of our grief aside to help my Dad through this, they had been married 26 years, so we will have somewhat of a delayed reaction.
The service was lovely, with beautiful flowers from family, friends, and some unexpected sources. We played "There You'll Be" by Faith Hill and "In Loving Memory Of" (don't remember the artist), and my uncle read two poems my Dad had written to my Mom. There were two photo tributes: my Mom's sister made a poster collage, and we kids went through all of Mom's albums (well over twenty), and picked the best for a memory DVD where the photos are set to music with some nature scenes interspersed in. Dad had a hard time looking at the DVD the first time, and said he'd like to never see it again (they played it all through the visitation), but the more he saw it, the more he liked it. He even watched his copy at home that night on his big screen TV, saying he'll cherish it forever and what a great job we did picking out the photos.
Other than that, family was family, no one from my Mom's side of the family came over to the house. I wish more people would've come to her funeral. She deserved that, and I'm hurting because of how they're acting even at this time.
My husband was amazing this week. Now I feel bad about giving him the Sir BS moniker, so he will be known henceforth as Sir B. He took such wonderful care of me, I can't even put it into words. Everyone in my family (that was at the house all week) kept telling me how great he is, and how lucky I am to have him, and how much they respect all that he did. All Sir B said was that he didn't feel like he did anything extraordinary, or like he should've done more. My sis Amy joked that she should've given him a bigger wedding present. He showed not only how deep his love for me is, but how deep his love for my family is. And that is one hell of a good husband!
I have a huge hole in my heart because she wanted so desperately to be a Grandma, and I wasn't able to give that to her. I honestly don't know if I
can have kids now, without her here to help me raise them and spoil them rotten. It just doesn't seem right. But my friend Linda told me something yesterday that I will never forget. She said, "You know, she's probably up there right now holding your babies and taking care of them until you're ready for them, and then she'll be their guardian angel". What an amazingly beautiful thought.
I had just started her legwarmers a few days before she passed. I decided to pack up the yarn and the little bit of knitting I completed on them and put it in my hope chest for now. It feels wrong to return or sell the yarn because she's gone. I'm thinking of starting on Magickal Earth this week, knitting will definitely be part of my therapy, but I have a new project to do ASAP...four projects, actually. My Dad was talking about donating her clothes to a shelter, because my Mom was all about helping others out where she could. But my aunt and I came up with an idea that put a huge smile on my Dad's face. We suggested making quilts out of her shirts and jeans--one for him, and one for each of us girls. He absolutely loved the idea, and I love the idea of being able to do that for us. These will be the first real quilts I've made, so they won't be anything fancy, but there are a few quilters in my Stitch-In group that I can go to if I need any help.
My sisters are big into tattoos, and both are getting one of my Mom sometime this week. My Dad is even talking about getting an image of her face put on his shoulder. I have always wanted a tattoo, but I am chickenshit and also couldn't decide on an image I wanted on me permanently. But I'm thinking about getting one now, too. Maybe a winged heart. Or her face incorporated into a rose.
In happier news, I got a "new" car yesterday. We decided on a 2002 Chrysler 300M Special Edition, and the dealership was very nice and held the car all week. We could've picked it up during the week, but I told Sir B that it would be better for me to get it after the funeral was over. I'm still not as excited as he thinks I should be, but I told him I
am excited, it'll just take some time before I can really show it. He is soooo in love with it...I have to keep reminding him it's MY car (jokingly)! We used to quibble over who HAD to drive the Saturn, now we'll be fighting over who GETS to drive the Chrysler!
I am going back to work this week. I don't know how well I'll manage, but I will find out. My clients have been very nice, one sent a huge arrangement to the funeral home, some came to the house, and I got quite a few cards. And everyone I (briefly) talked to so far has expressed their understanding if I set up appointments this coming week and have to cancel them because I'm not up to it.
I know Mom was proud of me and the way I was leading my life. I will still try to make her proud, and know she's checking in on me from time to time.
